not pregnant

AAAAAg,
So I'm not pregnant. At least not according to 4 home pregnancy tests. My real official clinic preg test is tomorrow. I don't even feel like doing it but I have to to make it official. I can't believe we're- or should I say I'm already considering doing this from scratch again- egg donor and all. The only catches are- I turn 42 this summer. A different age than when I was pregnant with Nolan (38/39). He is 2. That would make the closest possible dates 3 1/4 years apart. Not quite what we had in mind. I wanted kids close in age. There is that plural word again. ARe we supposed to be happy with one- I want to say with just one. That sounds like it's not enough. Yet I am happy with my little guy- I love him to death! The other catch is that my sister is nearing 34. That is the age when I found it impossible to get pregnant in IVF with my own eggs. I was assuming it was family history since my Mom had no children after 30, nor did my Grandma.
Why couldn't I just have been pregnant. I knew when I can home from the transfer ... we had stopped for food ..

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. and then I had such severe cramping ... like it was food poisoning. I knew it was a problem but I had still hoped and believed.

I still want to crawl under a rock for the next few days. Damn my own infertile body. Damn all that extra money and stress. Damn, do I really have to call my sister.

So we go in for our last frozen embryo transfer tomorrow. We have 3 left and I'm hoping they all survive the thaw. We are putting all 3 back - since the chances are so low. I'm actually hoping for twins. There were 4 of us in my family and even that sometimes feels a little lonely. I really want Nolan to have a sibling or siblings! The only thing I don't want to happen is triplets- or wait I also don't want to end up not being pregnant. I had my final acupuncture tonight. I hope that does the trick. I hate waiting. The wanting to know now thing is really really driving me crazy. I don't know if I should go into work the day after. I have been reading some other blogs and one woman said she was told by her clinic to stay laying down for the rest of the day???? My clinic says it doesn't matter. Which is it?? Anyone know? Why would it make a difference? Any other things that would help make it work??
AAAAAAGh Why couldn't I just have been one of the women that could have a sensual Saturday with my man and then ended up pregnant without all the time, money worry.
And, I've already started looking at baby names again. I'm really hoping...

Ok- I know that I'm supposed to be able to go with the flow but arggg...
I went for my ultrasound to check the lining thickness- it's good- but when I asked about why the new estrogen protocol for me they told me that last time we tried a frozen cycle my lining wasn't thick enough - Now I'm frustrated because of course it didn't work and now we only have 1 more try. If I don't get pregnant we have no more frozen embryos. Then what???? Do I ask my egg donor again? Do we adopt? I really want Nolan to have a brother or sister. And of course given my age (almost 42) there is that precious time issue!
And when they gave me dates they told me the transfer would be Monday. Now it's moved to Tuesday. I went to the trouble to arrange a substitute teacher at work and now I have to cancel. It is so hard to keep any sense of privacy. I shared so openly at the start of all our IVF cycles. Then I had to deal with the pity looks when things didn't work. When I was pregnant I told everyone I was having twins. I was so excited. And then I had to explain and re-explain that Lucas passed away just after birth. That was so hard. This time I just want to keep it private- but with changing appointment days that becomes harder to do. Oh well.

I just want it to work- !!!!! PLEASE PLEASE LET IT WORK

Staying up late to take medication!

Ok- this is my first ever blog. I found someone else's blog that matched my experience and became hooked!
I tried IVF and it failed because my reproductive age was too old! I was only 36 at the time and I thought that meant I had at least 4 years left. Fate somehow thought otherwise as I was told I had the eggs of someone that was nearly menopausal. Yikes!
So ... we went with donor eggs. My sister (8 years younger) was very generous- but was so pleased that she missed our request to not tell anyone else in our family ... and so ...

At any rate, it was successful. We had twin boys- but we only got to bring one of them home (Nolan) because Lucas had Potters Syndrome. It's a rare condition where the kidneys don't form properly so the baby doesn't make amniotic fluid. It means the lungs don't fully develop before birth.

Nolan is now 2 years old! We did have several frozen eggs (7) but the first 2 tries didn't work. One was ectopic. Now we are down to 3 embryos left. I go for my ultrasound tomorrow. The transfer is Monday. I am so excited- so nervous- so hopeful- yet I don't want to get my hopes up. AAAAGGG.
I've been going for accupuncture. I hope it works. I really want another baby. Now finally it's late enough so I can take my last round of nasal spray tonight.