not pregnant

AAAAAg,
So I'm not pregnant. At least not according to 4 home pregnancy tests. My real official clinic preg test is tomorrow. I don't even feel like doing it but I have to to make it official. I can't believe we're- or should I say I'm already considering doing this from scratch again- egg donor and all. The only catches are- I turn 42 this summer. A different age than when I was pregnant with Nolan (38/39). He is 2. That would make the closest possible dates 3 1/4 years apart. Not quite what we had in mind. I wanted kids close in age. There is that plural word again. ARe we supposed to be happy with one- I want to say with just one. That sounds like it's not enough. Yet I am happy with my little guy- I love him to death! The other catch is that my sister is nearing 34. That is the age when I found it impossible to get pregnant in IVF with my own eggs. I was assuming it was family history since my Mom had no children after 30, nor did my Grandma.
Why couldn't I just have been pregnant. I knew when I can home from the transfer ... we had stopped for food ..

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. and then I had such severe cramping ... like it was food poisoning. I knew it was a problem but I had still hoped and believed.

I still want to crawl under a rock for the next few days. Damn my own infertile body. Damn all that extra money and stress. Damn, do I really have to call my sister.